The Story of Tom's Life :
( Warning!! Heavy DRAMA alert!! )

Tom's Coming Out Story : "May 5th, 1996..."

On May 5th, of 1996... I officially came out of the closet after facing the most impossible person- My father. At 18, I was a rebel against everything I didn't believe in and something stirred inside of me... a need, perhaps a want to be free. At that time, I couldn't agree with anything my dad said.... I came out despite the fact it was totally out of question to tell him that I was gay. It wasn't until my boyfriend Geoff, at the time, encouraged me a little to come out- along with re-assurances from other friends that it would be okay. After listening to some successful "coming out to parents" stories, I decided to tell my dad THEN- instead of after college. Out of all the wrong things I did in my life.. coming out wasn't one of them. But it was one of the hardest, most difficult things I chose to do. And quite clearly one of the most painful.

Over a quiet dinner with my dad, and my aunt (his older sister), I explained to them that I was the same person they've always known.. [pause] yet what I was going to say wasn't going to be easy or comforting to them. Within a 20 minute period of eating, silence, and more silence.. I let it go. " I'm gay," I said. My dad's response after thinking (or not thinking) was "You have one week to move out or I'm going to burn all your stuff." My aunt said she was going to faint. I was speechless in the strangest light headed way. ["Don't EVER call me your father again.."] he said. Did I miscalculate the love a father had for his own son? Did I forget that because he was an old fashioned Korean cultured adult.. that he would sever the first 18 years I spent with him? Or did I ignore the fact he spent most of his life in the military which strengthened his hatred for homosexuals. How vividly I remember every single TICKING second of that dinner. His words against my silence was one of the most profoundly powerful things I've felt in my life. Not knowing what to say, feeling hatred, anger, sorrow, freedom, and confusion all at the same time. On the verge of tears that I could not cry nor control. Teetering on the edge of screaming something that I could not yell. I didn't expect him to understand.. but I had to be me.... I had to be me. It didn't matter soon... I was on my own. 3 days after May 5th of 1996, I moved out of my dad's house holding almost nothing in my hands but intangible determination. How nostalgic it seems now....

Within two years of Coming out, I probably learned more about society, humanity, emotions, mistakes, love, and desertion than in the other 17 years of my life. 1996 was the first Thanksgiving I spent alone in my roommate's kitchen. It was the first Birthday (Nov. 19th) I didn't get a single card, and the first Christmas that I didn't get to share with a single person. I had moments of extremely high willpower to times when I almost wanted to break down and cry. But no matter how many times I fell or dug a hole into the ground, my friends were always there to pick me up and pull me out. (You guys KNOW who you are {smile}) I learned not to be afraid to lean a little on somebody... because like everyone else in the world we all need to share in reaching our goals and helping lift small burdens off a friend's shoulders. I learned more to cope with obstacles and seemingly impossible problems. I found out there were solutions to all sorts of stressful issues whether it was just talking with a friend or part-taking in activities that would be beneficial to my understanding. It's funny that I'm acting as if I lecture this kind of psychology... because sometimes I still have no clue.. and god knows- I whine like a baby sometimes :-) (especially in the process of making this web page).

"Where life is more terrible than death, it is then the truest valor to dare to live." - Thomas Browne, (Religio Medici)

"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die." - G. K. Chesterton, (Orthodoxy)

To be quite honest... I wasn't sure how to start this section of my web page. But when I first started, I had a strong desire to convey a message to other people about my past history. I wanted to share what some others cannot. Something that can be a negative experience that can be over come with time and perseverance. All my life I have been searching. Whether its been knowledge, a boy friend, a feeling, or just another experience to grow from. Lately I've found out that in my short twenty odd years of growing up, I've been searching for "myself" more than anything else. Who I am. What I am. Where will I be a few years from now.. and why I have come this way on a path less chosen. I feel that other people out there.. might be looking for themselves too. These are just my notes- my experiences growing up gay to share with anyone who is interested. Perhaps I believe in what all my coming out memories have taught me and felt that I needed to share them. Especially for other gay men who don't know where they are with their identity. I still hope to be brave, sincere, and more understanding of things I still don't know. And I ask the intimate conscience within myself to allow me guidance and conviction wherever necessary. If knowing any of this changed any part of me recently, it was to remind myself and everyone... to "be who you are."