Guide to
Coming Out (Safely)
Homosexual (adjective) : of, relating to , or having a sexual
orientation to persons of the same sex.
- American Heritage Dictionary Definition (Third Edition)
Guide to
Coming Out (Safely)
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* Note : This "Guide to Coming Out" was put together reflecting questions that I and others have had in the past. Through experience and the good will of many others... I have decided to place it's contents on this web page so others can share in the experience or find something that they may have trouble understanding. I sincerely hope it will become a reference to those who are already comfortable with their sexuality and a guidance to those who are still searching for the answers to who they really are. |
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| Introduction : Before I begin, I am not here to convince anyone of Coming out of the closet and stating their homosexuality. Coming out in a huge step and a difficult process for many people out there. I'm sure there are people who live their entire lives without ever telling anyone or even speaking openly about the matter. I'm sure many people are confused, in denial, and/or even curious. Then there are people who admit their sexuality but have trouble expressing it, hiding it, or shoving it aside. I can only assure each person that NO ONE has the right to ask you to choose anything in your life but yourself. Coming out is a very personal, intimate decision that someone decides when they believe they are ready. No one should rush you in your options or choices in your personal security and well being... |
" So when am I ready? " There are literally a million questions
you might want to ask yourself before you take your leap of faith. Here are some
questions I gathered and my personal sample answers that I give to each. You may
feel free to disagree and fill in your own feeling or choice with each. Keep in mind that
the answers are my opinions but the questions are strongly recommended in weighing your
decision.
| How important is your individuality and freedom to you? | To me, my individuality means everything to me. It is who I am, how I have loved, shared, learned, felt. My personality and originality is unique and just as equally beautiful as the next person over. I can't give that up or suppress it behind me while others can live their lives telling me to be like them. I'm gay and free to be me. Though I will always help and love others, I will never forsake my identity because of their discrimination. |
| Do you feel that friends and/or family will leave you? | I told my father (my turning point in life) on May 5th of 1996. Since then none of my friends have left me after finding out that I was gay. My best friends from high school- Phil, Josh, Jason, Karen, and even my younger sister have always stood by my side. I believe that true friends will always stay by your side.. isn't that what friends are for? Though my family had various reactions and early disapproval... in just 2 years I have rekindled my relationship with my father. After all the wars that we had made in the 18 years that I grew up with him... he now accepts and loves me just the way I am. |
| Do you care what others will think or say about you? | I do. Everyone wants to be liked and befriended. Everyone has a fear of rejection, hate, prejudice, and ill thoughts in their direction. I have to believe that I am strong enough to put aside the ignorance of others. That I have or will make many friends who will treat me as an equal, a friend, an acquaintance, a lover. As long as I am honest and heartfelt in my conviction... I will know that when others think or speak ill of me, they are only hurtful prejudice. |
| How important is it for people to know that you are gay? | Not at all. Being gay is only a part of who I am, who I am is Thomas Cristopher Yu. I don't have to go out to gay clubs, watch Melrose Place, or drink Diet Coke. I don't have to march in pink at gay parades or tell everyone I meet that I am a proud homosexual. In fact.. most people I know don't know that I am gay. I don't hide it from them but it's not always obvious to every individual. People don't look at your sexuality first. They look at you. Who you are, what you are like, your interests, your laugh, your friendship. Gay people are normal... like everyone else. |
| Do you fear the bible, religion, sinning, or teachings against homosexuality? | This is a tough question and one that many people have debated. Depending on your religious background, some people will come to different conclusions then others. But if God exists... I know that he taught us to love as he loves us, unconditionally. I will never accept that homosexual love is a sin. Love is love as red is red and blue is blue. There is nothing sinful, disgusting, wrong, or different about my love for someone- even if it is another man. Deep in my conscience I feel that there is an injustice with people who persecute and force people away as outcasts for a difference. Whether it is for skin color, tradition, or sexuality. If truly a God exists, and he created all of the world in its varieties of animals, cultures, people, colors, and countries... why is it so hard to accept that some people have different sexual preferences? If religion teaches me to work, learn, love, and grow... that is what I'm doing as a person who was born gay. I did not choose to be gay and neither did a teenage boy staring at women, choose to be straight. It is who I am and I will do my best to live this life and accomplish my hopes, ideals, and dreams. |
Always remember...
1. 9 out of 10 times, your close friends will not leave you. Friends keep secrets, do things together, you trust each other. After all, they wouldn't really be worthy friends if they left you for who you are. 10 out of 10 times, your family will love you. No matter what they say or hold against you, they are your flesh and blood. You can convince yourself and others that they would rather have nothing to do with you. It's not them you are fighting- it's anger, confusion, hurt, and loss. Only time and love will heal those gaps. It's your choice to bridge the gaps closer.
2. Remember that you are still the same person that others have always known. And remind them that there is nothing different or odd about you after you told them compared to before. They have always known you. Now they just know more about you.
3. No one should rush or convince you into coming out except yourself. You know what's best for you. But when you feel as though you are on the verge of just spilling your beans out- consider the following Disadvantages into Advantages :
"Disadvantages into
Advantages"
| Disadvantage #1 : Different treatment from other people | Most people will now treat you as the person you ARE, and NOT who they want you to be. (No more- "Hey! check that hot chick out." or "Thomas! When are you getting married and bearing me 17 grandchildren?!" |
| Disadvantage #2 : Friend(s) may leave you | Find out the people who will always be your friend and root out those who will only be your friend out of convenience or need of something. |
| Disadvantage #3 : Will send parents to an early grave | You have to believe that they will love and come to accept you. If not, do you really want to live in unhappiness and lie about your feelings all the time? |
| Disadvantage #4 : Sudden change of lifestyle | It's different. It's new. It's tough even.. but at least you are living in freedom and able to pursue everything you have ever wanted emotionally. Being able to be yourself freely is like being granted wings. You will make new friends, interests, and a healthy lifestyle. |
| Disadvantage #5 : REALLY nervous about coming out | If you are really nervous, it usually means that you're nervous because you have seriously given thought to coming out to someone. It is a definite message from your conscience that the thought of being known gay to somebody excites you and makes you nervous about doing it. But which path will you choose in the end? Someone else's or your own? |
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The hardest, most complicated, and courage trying task in this entire subject is telling the first person. Choosing that person is also not an easy task. It could be a best friend, a parent, a brother, a sister, a work buddy. Most gay men tend to find it easier to tell a female person rather than a male person. You should find someone who you are comfortable with talking to. Someone you believe who will not lay judgment on you that very second the words come out. You may feel embarrassed, ashamed, scared, or out of breath. It's common and every gay man who has told someone for the first time probably felt the same way. If your initial instincts about the person were right, the greater chances are that you will have someone very special who will share and know how you feel deep inside. Fortunately.. after the first time... telling other people becomes easier and easier. |
* Concluding Notes : I'm sure this page will expand and grow as I acquire more questions and feedback from various people that I know and will come to know. All I can do now is to hope that some contents in this page will be useful to someone who is in need of some explanation to feelings they do not understand. Thank you for stopping by.
Questions, comments, feedback, or plain good ole EMAIL : TomCrew@aol.com
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